One evening, after wrapping up a photography and video shoot for a wedding, a friend and I were packing up when he confided in me that he was planning to break up with his girlfriend. This caught me completely off guard. Both he and his girlfriend were good friends of mine, and they always seemed as joyful and beautiful as any couple could be whenever I saw them together. Naturally, I was surprised to hear this and asked him, "Why?"
He acknowledged that his girlfriend was, by all accounts, ideal. She's kind, she's clean, she checks most of the boxes anyone would want in a partner. But for some reason, he felt she wasn't the one for him. My first suspicion was that he might have met someone else and was cleverly manipulating himself to justify ending his current relationship.
"If you could have any woman in the world," I asked, "and you also had God's number so you could ask Him to create or modify any woman for you, what would you be looking for?"
To my surprise, he began by describing facial features rather than behavior or personality traits. He talked about a specific type of lips, eyes, nose, neck, cheekbones—the works. His descriptions were so abstract that I couldn't form a clear mental picture of the kind of person who would fit his ideal of beauty. So I asked him to name some celebrities or Google a picture that came close to what he was envisioning.
For each celebrity he showed me, pointing out the specific facial feature he admired, I showed him a different picture of that same celebrity photographed in a way that contradicted his description. For instance, if he said he liked women with pouty lips and showed me a highly edited photo of Kim Kardashian from a marketing photoshoot, I'd show him another picture of her at an event where the photograph was less staged and more candid.
By the sixth picture, a clear pattern had emerged. My friend wasn't attracted to actual people; he was attracted to beautifully edited images. He wouldn't find Kim Kardashian or any of the other celebrities attractive in real life, even if they perfectly fit his abstract ideas of beauty. He was enamored with the idealized versions of them crafted through Photoshop. This realization perhaps explained why he was such a good photographer—when he saw people, he was overwhelmed by the mental image he could create from editing their photos, rather than seeing the people themselves. This also might be why he wasn't very comfortable around real people.
The Photographer's Paradox
As a photographer, I encounter two kinds of stubborn clients:
The Unedited Enthusiasts: Those who command me not to edit their pictures. "I want my pictures as they come out of the camera; they should not be edited." While this flatters me because they overestimate my expertise (I'm not yet at the level of getting all the technical nuances right to take a perfect picture directly in-camera, and I don't know anyone who can do this at a wedding), they don't understand that the camera is just capturing a snapshot from a specific perspective. If I moved a few meters, even with all other factors remaining constant, I would create an entirely different image in their eyes. Most of editing isn't about imposing layers of ideal beauty concepts but about digitally balancing attributes that could be altered directly in the environment. Things like lighting, composition, or a lipstick smudge are quite easy to correct in post-production without retelling the story of who the person in the picture is.
The Overzealous Editors: Those who want to look like models in a magazine. "Make me slim." "How come my face looks dark? Can you make it look like Rihanna's in the other ad?" "My face is so round; make it boxy." "I don't like that birthmark (even if it so visible to everyone else who actually looks at me); take it away." These and many other requests almost make you want to ask the client if they're okay being who they are. This is usually much easier because it's what you train for as a photographer and editor, and a lot of AI is now getting really good at doing things like this. But every photograph you modify to remove the person whose picture you took and replace them with an imaginary ideal representation of beauty steals something from your soul.
Why Are We So Uncomfortable with Reality?
The question is, why are people so uncomfortable with how things (including themselves) are and so obsessed with what things should be? Just as consuming bad food can have detrimental effects on the body, consuming bad content can adversely affect the mind.
Take American popular TV shows, for example, especially those consumed by secondary school and university students. Shows like Suits, which tells the story of a naturally clever person with a perfect memory working in an office filled with extremely attractive women in an environment where the moral compass is extremely clear—everyone agrees on what's good versus what's bad. Or stories about a kid who gets bitten by an insect and, instead of getting a mild allergic reaction, gains superpowers and forgives his bullies, all set in a high school full of pretty girls.
If, on average, a university student is binge-watching 10 of these shows a week, they're consuming about 1,000 hours of convincing and stimulating stories that have very little to teach about living in the real world. This is similar to flooding the markets with bad cooking oils or modified cheap chicken, making obesity and other health issues unmanageable.
Just like consuming unhealthy food leads to physical health problems, consuming unhealthy content leads to mental and emotional issues. It creates unrealistic expectations, distorts our perceptions of reality, and makes us dissatisfied with our own lives and relationships.
A Mental Diet for Better Relationships
Like your gym trainer would recommend a diet to help you lose some weight before you can start doing any useful cardio, I also recommend a diet of TV and social media content before one can start having proper relationships or even perform better professionally. One doesn't have to stop consuming TV or social media all at once, but one can start by turning it down significantly.
Create a rigid schedule of a maximum of 3 hours of content consumption every day. I recommend at most an hour on social media (including YouTube) and 2 hours of TV consumption (also including YouTube). And like in diets where one is encouraged to eat more of the foods they don't generally enjoy, like broccoli or other greens, I would recommend that one consumes more of what is typically "boring" content for them—perhaps an episode of a preachy and slower-paced show like The Wire, or maybe watch a classic play.
By reducing the intake of overly stimulating and unrealistic content, you give your mind a chance to recalibrate to the real world. You'll start to appreciate the nuances of real human interaction and the beauty of imperfection. This mental diet helps in setting realistic expectations and improves your ability to connect with people on a genuine level.
Drawing the Parallel Further
Just as bad food is engineered to be addictive—loaded with sugars, salts, and unhealthy fats—bad content is designed to keep you hooked. Cliffhangers, exaggerated drama, and idealized characters compel you to click "Next Episode" repeatedly. Both provide immediate gratification but offer little in terms of real nourishment.
Moreover, just as a poor diet can lead to health complications like obesity, diabetes, and heart disease, a poor content diet can lead to mental health issues like anxiety, depression, and a distorted self-image. It's not just about what you're consuming; it's about what you're missing out on—real experiences, meaningful conversations, and personal growth.
Taking Action
So, how do we make this shift?
Be Mindful of What You Consume: Just as you'd check the nutritional information on food packaging, pay attention to the content you're watching or reading. Ask yourself if it's adding any value to your life.
Set Healthy Boundaries: Limit your screen time. Use apps that track and restrict your usage if necessary.
Diversify Your Content Diet: Incorporate educational programs, documentaries, or genres you wouldn't normally watch. Challenge yourself with content that makes you think rather than just entertains you.
Engage in Real-world Activities: Spend time with friends and family, pick up a hobby, or simply take a walk. Real experiences can't be substituted with digital ones.
Reflect on Your Relationships: Consider whether your expectations are influenced by the content you consume. Are you holding yourself or others to unrealistic standards?
In the same way that consuming bad food harms your body, consuming bad content can distort your mind. It affects how you see yourself and how you relate to others. By being mindful of what you allow into your mind, you can improve your relationships, perform better professionally, and lead a more fulfilling life.
It's not about completely cutting out entertainment or digital media—it's about moderation and making conscious choices. Just like a balanced diet includes the occasional treat, your content diet can include guilty pleasures. The key is to ensure that they're the exception, not the rule.
Remember, every time you choose what to watch or read, you're feeding your mind. Make sure it's something that nourishes you.